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If the Cowfolk are doing it, this is where it’s at…
The League of Exhausted Genitals
27/05/2012
The Satuday Team beat Nailsea 3rds by 5 wickets. The full scorecard is here.
Now, last season when the Cowboys Saturday Team (a.k.a. The League of Exhausted Genitals) played Bath at Windford on a hot day, it went like this: the foe batted first, their openers got off to a good start, then the batting collapsed and they were all out for a low target, the Cowboys wobbled in the chase until Kahlu biffed a few 6s and we won. So this season our first match a Winford went in much the same fashion. Of course the forces of verbosity will not allow the write up to finish here…
According to the Kinsey report
ev’ry average man you know
much prefers to play his favorite sport
when the temperature is low
but when the thermometer goes way up
and the weather is sizzling hot
Mister Adam for his madam is not
cause it’s too too
it’s too darn hot, it’s too darn hot
It’s too too too too darn hot
Cole Porter would have been right too, but in fact is was not too hot because there was a very pleasant wind blowing and it was the perfect summer’s day that all cricketers have been waiting for these 10 years past.
However, as well as the balmy zephyr there was also an ill wind blowing: after last week’s grounding during pre-flight checks, Garnier (a.k.a. The Methane Tornado) had this week passed muster and been given clearance by the Flight Controller. He arrived at the ground equipped with a 20 litre box of beer that, once the cardboard outer was removed, resembled an out-sized colostomy bag. He looked surprise that no one else had brought any beer and became depressed at the thought of having to share. He was told to remember the parable of the ‘five loaves and two fishes’ to which he grumpily replied: “You’re not having my fucking pre-match snake as well you bastards”. He then hurriedly scoffed 5 whole Hovis and 2 John Dory.
On inspection the pitch was hard, bald and dangerous cracks were clearly visible, a bit like… (insert one’s own vulgar vagina joke here). Hugh, the Windford goundsman, apologised for the baldness but said that the grass roots had been eaten by Leather Jackets. A quick google will soon reveal that in fact ‘leatherbacks’ have nothing to do with a feral bunch of ruminant bikers that descend on cricket pitches for an evening of debauched and inappropriate grazing but refers to a type of beetle larvae.
The foe won the toss and with a man missing decided to bat. As soon as you see the ground at Windford you will realise that there are only two types of bowler that can play there: those that bowl up the hill and those that bowl down the hill. So, RobT1 (a.k.a. The Brokeback Kid) was designated as an up-hill bowler and Budge (a.k.a. Tour de France) as a down-hill bowler. The wicket looked a little tricky to bat on but the foe’s openers easily trundled along at 4 an over. Gibbo (a.k.a Captain Dementia) decided, in his finite wisdom, to make a change and summoned forth The Methane Tornado. With The Tornado finding some swing he soon blew a few of their batsmen back to the pavilion.
The next change had TT (a.k.a. Mother Nature) coming down the hill were he found a sweet spot that soon brought him wickets, delicately clipping the bails off time and again. The Tornado finished with 4 for 14 and Mother Nature finished with 4 for 15.
Taking over from the Tornado Überpops (a.k.a. Überpops) plugged away up the hill, with what Mrs Überpops describes as ‘his awkward length’, until he in turn was replaced by Kahlu (a.k.a. The Bluderbuss). With the foe’s tail trying to fight a rear guard action the batsman look at The Bluderbuss’ first ball before swiping at the second, which turned and bowled him. As it turned out Captain Dementia’s best decision of the day was perhaps to forget to give Kahlu a bowl until right at the end so that the foe did not see how receptive to spin the pitch was.
And so the foes’s innings gave a consumptive cough and died. They were all out (9 wickets) for 86 in the 33rd over. This was followed by a leisurely tea which revealed that Captain Dementia had: a) forgotten to make the sandwiches, b) forgotten to switch the tea ern on and c) forgotten the milk.
There are some heretics that say that cricket was invented by French shepherds. There are others that say that a few baguettes and a lump of cheese constitutes an English cricket tea. It’s all gone a bit French, and no good will come of it.
Hugh had told us that there are a couple of pheasants living in the small wood next to the ground and while The Cowboys were fielding a female pheasant went for a stroll around the boundary. Having read Danny Champion of The World several of the team are suggesting that raisons laced with some of the teams’ abundant ibuprofen be scattered in the wood and thus there will be game pie for tea. However, after chasing a boundary into the wood The Methane Tornado remerged not only with the ball but also suspicious feathers around his mouth, so the rest of the team may be too late.
In the last match of last season Grove (a.k.a. Major Neurosis) got a duck, in the first of this season he also got a duck (known as a ‘King Pair’) and so in this match he was on an inglorious hat-trick (known as ‘The Sultan’s Threesome’). Neuro and Preece (a.k.a . Ben 9 – “He’s tiny creepy fast and strong he’s every shape and size”) strode manfully to the crease, Neuro got off the mark and then got over excited and was soon out LBW. Captain Dementia strode out and quickly strode back (he was fined for doing a David Bellamy impression while batting) and Iggy (a.k.a. Nervous 90) ran himself out taking a second run on an overthrow which some claim had actually gone for four. Ben 9 for a while looked good but then, having survived an LBW appeal the ball before, bounced one off his pads into the stumps.
And so dear reader the Cowboys had wobbled but the foe’s opening bowlers had finished their overs. Enter The Blunderbuss! Having strode like a prize fighter to the crease and realising that simply hitting the tree that grows inside the boundary is four runs he set the controls to ‘sand wedge’ and chipped ball after ball into the tree. The young bowler (coming down the hill) looked disgruntled but there was worse to come. Finding everything too easy The Blunderbuss reset the controls to ‘Turbo Biff’ and smashed the kid’s next over back up the hill for 20 runs (3 fours and a 6), it was rounded off with an ironic defensive shot that send the crowd wild.
The up-hill bowler at this point was a young leg spinner. Had the foe’s captain seen more of The Blunderbuss’ bowling he would have brought this kid on earlier because he can , as he proved, turn it a long way. The Blunderbuss did not seem to enjoy a dose of his own bowling medicine and was out, caught behind, chasing a leg-side wide that nipped back a bit. But by this point it was all but done and Gretch (a.k.a. Rubber Rock) and Mother Nature brought The Cowboys home with ease in the 23rd over.
As The League of Exhausted Genitals relaxed in the evening sunshine coifing The Methane Tornado’s Bag-O’-Ale, the man himself won Man Of The Match for getting four wickets for one less run than Mother Nature took to get his four. The Blunderbuss won the Cider Moment for his explosive batting.
Angelo 911
COWBOYS & COWGIRLSWE GET THE KEYS TO THE PLOUGH THIS MONDAY, 28th MAY AND WILL CLOSE FOR A WEEK TO GIVE IT A NEW PAIR OF TRAINERS & SORT IT OUT A BIT.
WE NEED HELP !
ANYONE AVAILABLE FOR ANY MORNING, AFTERNOON OR EVENING PLEASE LET ME KNOW, I CAN EVEN USE EMAIL NOW.
COULD ANYONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO THE WIDER CLUB OR RESPECTIVE TEAMS PLEASE DO SO
ANGELO
A Return to Former Glories
25/05/2012
The wire was down between Easton and Oldbury Court and so this repost has only just filtered through.
The Sunday 1st Team beat Bristol Banglideshis by 2 wickets. The full score card is here. Dunce reports thus:
Oldbury Court, a vista of newly foliated trees atop which sit such beauties as the great spotted woodpecker. Gleeful children capering and frollicking around the swing park, their parents looking on with loving gaze. This is the backdrop to the hummocky cricket pitch that still, gladly, takes up a tiny part of our council tax. We muse, whilst changing outside the still locked changing rooms, upon days gone by. Mark’s century for example, and the game back in time when an ill advised young woman was seen appearing from the woods entirely naked, presumably dared into a streak by so called friends, before bottling it within yards of the start.
But enough of dim and distant past, and onto the recent history involving the Sunday 1st team and Bristol Bangladeshis. Fielding first on this municipal pitch is commonly a must, particularly as our side perhaps boasts a little more bowling talent than batting. Overhead conditions are highly conducive to movement and move the ball did. Omar grazed the first of the lacquer from the new cherry, and a blast from the past in the form of yours truly opened form the opposite end with immediate if perhaps unwarranted effect. Dodgy LBW off a probable inside edge. There was a tiny, timid call to withdraw the appeal, but it was treated as a joke.
The Bangladeshis second pairing put on a slow steady partnership. One batsman seemed to be the type we didn’t need out as keeping him on strike would probably have won us the game. But that’s not the spirit, and when Rob and Martin replaced Duncan and Omar respectively, wickets began to fall. The run rate stayed low as Martin, excited by the helpful movement this green strip, bowled an inspired spell of success and near misses.
Catches were maybe showing signs of winning matches. Rob was hostile and super economical. During these spells, the square leg umpire was most unceremoniously struck in the nether-regions by a vicious pull shot. As luck, planning, or even providence would have it, he was actually wearing a box.
Cider I up, Landlord!!
Eventually, a batsman with some talent to match his desire for aggression came to the crease, somewhat denting the hitherto lustrous armour of Sir Stratto. Andy bowled a four over spell, chipping in with a wicket, and when Rob returned, he dismissed the flashing blade. The opposition were reduced to 107 all out with the aid of a tasty run out by Angelo and a return wicket for Omar. Very importantly, Jeff’s return to duties behind the timbers had left the scorebook utterly devoid of byes. That is rare and most welcome indeed. All in all, the Cowboys had done a good job with helpful tools. But we still had to bat on this bowler friendly greensward.
Tea was unspectacular and almost entirely without note. Tuneless. Maybe even tunaless. A dolphin-friendly tea, gratefully received in the generous spirit in which it was provided.
Time for the Cowboy openers to bat, and avoid any cunning Bangladeshi comeback. Bolts and Justin were slow and watchful as a succession of wides and byes cut into the target from the start. Initially Justin hogged the strike, Bolts got in on the act, then out on 4 from 28 balls. Enter Mark, whose skill as a wily opener was more than useful. Dogged defense, pushes and cuts from him were only momentarily augmented by a 2 ball, 2 run cameo from l’il old moi, Justin’s demise for a useful 12 being immediately prior. Angelo at number five, very hungry for 2012 cricket.
Bodes well. But would this tricky pitch and increasingly tense situation be to his liking. It seemed that way, as he and Mark put the defining partnership together, Angelo providing some impetus with the bat to go alongside Mark’s steadiness and Jonnie Extra’s impatient additions.
We were a little over halfway by the halfway drinks. Soon however, Angelo and Mark were bowled and caught out respectively. Rob didn’t trouble the scorers. Myself and the eversure Erica were troubled enough with all those dots and crosses. Dramatis personae now included Andy. He appeared grimly determined, which is a good sign. Omar was as usual, cool. He smacked his first ball for a boundary. This is becoming a paradoxical occurrence which we must now assume is the correct way for cross-handed batsmen to play themselves in. The nerves were jangling, Neil replacing chain-smoking with umpiring to calm his down. Omar returned abashed to the hutch. Poor bunny! Deano, the responsibility of vice captaincy etched heavily upon his brow, kept one end defended until an act of aggression saw him caught at backward square leg for nowt.
Oh gosh! Would it be cometh the hour, cometh the Stratton?
Standing in the way of such ‘Roy of the Rovers’ script fulfillment are Jeff and a remarkably staunch Andy, still at the crease. Plenty of overs left, defensive nudges and well timed pushes finally put the scores level. Fittingly, Andy Chester skillfully prodded through an offside gap to gather a match-clinching single and spare us all from the super cacophony of nerve clanging to which Martin’s batting may have served as a perfect clapper.
Well played therefore Andy 13 not out, Rob with 3 for 7, Martin with 3 for 43, Mark 14, Angelo 18, Justin 12 and crucially Jeff without byes. This last statistic alone proved to make a difference of 20 runs. Many thanks to Bristol Bangladeshis who were totally up for it and played the game with spirit and gave us a potential cider moment to giggle about.
CEEOWBOEEEEYZ!
Cricket 911
Mid-Week Results
Last night the Ultra Casuals had a firndly. Facebook says:
Great win for the Ultra Casuals in friendly last night coming back from 2-0 down at half time to win 3-2 against Arthritic Bilbao who are in the division above us. Nice work!
Tonight the cricket team entered a brand new 20/20 league. Ev reports thus:
BUSHWACKED
This was our first game in the midweek 20/20 league which consists of teams entirely unknown to the Cowboys. So, on a huge Bristol West Indies ground, armed with a strong bowling line up and a rash assumption that the opposition standard may not be too high, this skipper chose to bat first, reasoning we’d be more likely to all get a game.
After 20 overs this seemed quite a clever gambit. Cowboys scored 165 for 6 with Bolts (41), Justin (35), and especially Rob T2 with a super fast 48 not out, all enjoying the fairly friendly bowling and excellent batting facilities.
So after a bit of back patting Cowboys took to the field feeling confident.
18 and a half overs later we trudged back. We had not taken a single wicket, having been hit all over the park and run ragged by their very classy openers (one of which was the brother of Ski Simson, former Cowboy opening bat and footballer).
Cowboys lost by 10 wickets.
European Championships
With the sun shining in the sky, and Saturday being the end of the domestic football season, summer is definitely here. With the start of summer comes the European Championships in Poland and the Ukraine and with England under the new management of Roy Hodgson and his first game as England manager this weekend against Norway as well as other friendly’s taking place over the world this weekend it is a good time to look at the form of the teams taking part of the Euro’s.
The Euro’s give us the perfect opportunity to have a fundraiser for our tournament that takes place on August Bank Holiday Weekend at Berrow, Somerset. The predictor score will cost £5 and half the money will be donated to the tournament and the other half will be used as prize money for the lucky winners. The forms are attached to this email and should be completed and emailed to me at scotthomas78@hotmail.com as soon as possible, I will arrange collection of the money from any entrants.
As it stands with 14 days to go there have been 20 entry’s (big thanks to those who have already entered) but more entry’s are needed to make this a success so I appeal to all Cowfolks get yourselves predicting and enter the predictor score. If you are not really interested in football it may generate a bit of interest as the country gets swept up in Euro fever you can follow your results and with Wales not qualifying (again, I am used to it now) it will generate a bit of interest in the tournament for me as I can watch games and actually have someone to support. Updates of the standings will be sent out by email after the completion of each round of games.
Men’s Football AGM Part 2
The football AGM part 2 has been booked For June 25th 7.30 @ hawks gym, Jody has asked me to do one last meeting, before he take the seat.
On the agenda for now.
Sat a and sat B managers
Suburban B team
Update on tournament fundraising
Anyone wish to add let me know.
Netball Tournament
Jo reports thus:
Well us birds had our end of season tournament on Saturday. As netball is not an Olympic sport the organisers decided to make everyone represent an Olympic country. Wales was not allowed (we had costumes lined up for that one) so we opted to represent France due to an overload of frilly knickers.. We got battered in the first round and won 1 game out of 5, then we were all reseeded and we went on a winning streak winning all of our round 2 games which put us in the final! Then we lost the final to Hawaii. Everyone had a great day, Mair got our player of the day xxx
More Circket
20/05/2012
The Sunday 1st Team beat Bristol Bangladeshis by 2 wickets. The scorecard is here.
The Sunday 2nd Team lost to Beckington by 5 wicktes. The Scorecard is here.
Tinx reports thus:
the twos can take heart from the first two games of the season and team spirit seems fine, hopefully the good weather will allow us the practice needed to turn these positives into a victory.
Cometh The Hour, Cometh Everyone
20/05/2012
The Saturday Team beat Churchways 1st Team by 8 runs. The full score card is here. The reoprt goes thus:
This is the one where the Cowboys fluffed it, clawed it back, threw it away and then plucked the sweet smelling rose of victory from the malodorous manure of defeat.
The day got off to an inauspicious start when Garnier was grounded by the flight controller but Angelo was parachuted in to replace him. According to the fantasy cricket rules I think this means that Garnier gets placed into administration and will be sold off to the first dodgy oligarch that comes into view.
Even with Garnier missing we still had an embarrassment of riches in the bowling department. Add this to a crusty pitch with a soft centre and a little humidity in the air and it seemed to be a day on which winning the toss would be an advantage. Gibbo lost the toss and the foe put us in to bat.
Grove and Preece strode out manfully. A very short time later Grove sulked, man-flu like, back the dressing room having notched up a massive duck. Under fantasy rules I think this means that he will be birched by Sir. Gibbo and Preece fared little better and it was becoming apparent that batting was a little trickier than it at first looked, with the mossy pitch cushioning every delivery and telling them to calm down.
Kahlu is the ‘go-to’ man when the Saturdays need some runs and he strode out to the middle stating that he needed a fifty. A few biffs latter the go-to man came back. Lacking any breaking facility Kahlu had not taken any time to judge the pace of the pitch and was caught mid-biff. This should have been a warning to the foe, but it was one they chose to ignore. Our brave boys on the other hand knuckled down and ground out runs to recover from 51 for 5 off 18 to 122 for 9. Iggy batted splendidly hitting 39 and all the other batsmen patiently and resiliently managed to bat the overs out. Gretch got a magnificent 9 off 38 balls and Turbo-Budge got 11 from 25. The foe’s spinner, Fawad Sayed, chipped away at the batting and finished on 8-5-18-4.
122 did not seem like much of a target but with Gretch contributing to two early wickets things began to look a little better. The first wicket was a classy caught behind off Joe’s bowling. Then Grove managed to fool everyone (including himself) that he had limply let one get past him however, recovering with a decent throw, the batsman was run out going for a second. This put an end to any quick singles for the rest of the foe’s innings.
The foe had several biffers in their batting line up; all of them failed to learn from Kahlu’s demise. Several mistimed biffs flew high into the air and several were dropped. Kalhu did make up for dropping their best batsmen on the boundary by bowling him with an absolute peach of a delivery. But more drops came and crucially our brave boys seemed to have thrown it away when both biffers, in what was shaping up to be the match winning partnership, were dropped. Under fantasy cricket rules I think this means castration.
Again the Cowboys had to claw their way back with the foe on 90 for 6. Then needing about 10 off 4 with 3 wickets left the foe crumbled in the face of some very accurate bowling from RT1 and Gibbo and were all out for 114 in the 38th over. Kahlu took a catch for the last wicket to get some redemption.
All the bowlers were magnificent and Gibbo called the changes like a middle aged Alexander (sorry Gibbo but he was only 32 when he died) conquering the known world… or at least Downend. Uberpops with 3 wickets continues to enjoy his Indian Summer, RT1 also got 3 wickets.
This is perhaps the grittiest 80 overs of cricket the Saturday Team have ever played, grinding out a result making sure they batted out the 40 overs and giving everything in the field to defend a modest target.
When the Cowboys took to the field after tea the observant noticed a couple of teenagers standing under a tree by the boundary snogging. Three hours later, as the match reached a magnificent climax, they were still there in exactly the same position. They, like the Cowboys, learnt that if you have some stamina and keep grinding away, in the end you will reap the rewards and taste sweet victory.
Iggy won Man of the Match and also the cider moment for snapping up a low one.